its been awhile that i've written in this shitt. i almost forgot about it.. i couldnt remember what the site was even called.. good thing i saved everything in my like.. documents. haha

 

so im trying

im trying to forget about the past guys...

im pretty much over the boy who made me do all this fucking shit to myself and i just hate him now. thank the lord, i hate him. i dont need him. guess what

 

after i dumped him for the second time

i was able to eat without worrying.. i ate without thinking.. "oh im so fat" or.. "oh i really shouldnt eat this" i twas really nice.. but i actually.. started thinking like that again. wich isnt going to go away. its a start i guess..

 

 

 

 

i've cut myself eight times in about three times

you do the math

 

 

in a way i want them to fade away

because they're just a constant reminder of what i think of myself.

 

but then i dont..

it shows that what i live is REAL

that im not a whole bunch of bull-shit.

 

cliche but true.. they tell a motherfucking story.

i feel like proving everyone wrong right now...everyone.

 

everyone whos said somthing that im not able to do

everyone whos told me that im going to get fat one day or another

everyone whos told me i cant keep a good relationship [[wich is probably true]]

 

 

 

im not even good enough for people to like me anymore...but once i am. fuck them. its too late. im not going to be treated like a piece of meat.  or a product in a magazine. all i want is to be okay with myself...wich im obviously not. i dont repsect myself at all... i have no real friends.

 

or maybe i'll just...show everyone what they expect...i'll become a raging alcoholic whore. ending myself up in a jail cell. like my dada. just like him...raging alcoholic crack head.

 

i just cut myself...its the only thing i CAN think of to make the pain go away...the mental pain.

 

 

why am i so friken GULLIBLE?!

why do i only have two buddies....??

not friends..buddies. people i can hang out with.

 

friends are people that you can trust...people who wont go flirting with your ex boyfriend...people who respect what you say...people who dont go around making fun of you...

 

i wish i had one of those.

but i dont. tuff.

 

 

rejection is a bitch.

in my case, bastard.

 

for the first time i was completely rejected. feels like shit if you ask me.

 

 

"no just that was stven asking u out not me he was on the comp he siad that he was on his but he was on mien and he ask u out on my thing and when i found out i punched him really hard and so im sorry but i dont whant to go out with u and im sorry that it is like cuz of seven "

 

 

I DIDNT ASK HIM OUT!

i dont ask guys out

i ussually say yes...and

rarely reject them.

 

hey..like..i wonder why he doesnt want to go out with me..ohh! OHH! i know! I KNOW! its because im a ugly fat bitch who cant keep a positive thought in her fucking twisted mind.

 

 

im going to take THE LONGEST break from relationships...

 

seriously, i've had a different boyfriend every month..its sad. its...dissapointing. i change guys like i change clothes. now theres no one for me to like....................................................................................damnit. oh well. "i dont like anyone anymore..." thats my answer to.."so, who do you like?"  because its true...no one is worthy of my.."love" and...im not worth it for them either....my high standards...there high standards. it just wouldnt work.

 

 

 

i died my hair black.

 

maybe if i totally turned emo on everyone.

 

they'd see what im capapble of.

okay, im over cigarettes.

 

its so gross. like....no nice guy is gonna like me if i smoke.

 

i should stop before its too late....it was just an expirement.

 

 

the girl im so jealous of

weighs three pounds less than me.

 

its time to outweight lose her...

that made sense! haha

what i was trying to say is

coming from "out-slut"

 

wich....im going to try and do

wich means...im gonna have to give a guy a bj

intoxication might help...time to party.

 

september 24

 

im ruining everything.

thats cigarettes number two.

 

im a gross little girl.

age thirteen.

bulimic-anorexic..

chain smoker.

 

i can just imagine me in ten years...

broke. on the streets.

selling my body for drug money.

 

i dont know why i do it.

im not FAT. im not...UGLY!

guys LIKE ME. they think im hott. or...sexy.

but i jsut dont see it. i really dont. 

 

oh yea..i almost cut myself the otherday.

i forget what it was about.

but..i was close.

i just calmed down and..

it didnt happen.